Finding the five most commonly cited reasons why marriages fail does not necessarily mean marriage is unsuccessful. Marriage is the union between two people unaware of one another. They promise to be together in any situation.
Married life may have ups and downs and various points of view. However, this doesn’t justify the dissolution of the marriage due to minor problems. Let’s discuss the five main reasons for marriage may not be working in the next section.
1. Intimacy and sexual sex
In my experience, it has been the most common reason for divorce or couples filing for divorce. I believe that if there was any kind of testosterone booster for women, we would all choose to take it. Men generally have more libido than women, which is often the cause of relationship problems.
(There is a minority of women that appear with a greater libido than their male counterparts. However, this is not as common. But, the counseling and treatment options would be the same.)
In most cases, women go to therapy first. The woman will be convinced there’s some issue with her and that she’s not a good wife or a sexual partner to the man she is married to. She may have had the hormones checked to see if there’s anything amiss.
In most cases, there’s nothing out of equilibrium. If we go on with therapy, we’ll discover that it’s not her hormones that are the issue but relationships themselves. The solution usually involves the couple going to sessions together.
Then, we work through a program specifically created for couples suffering from “desire discrepancy”, which is the phrase we use when one person has a more robust sexual desire than the other. I have seen a lot of success using this program and have concluded that a lack of sexual intimacy and physical intimacy does not have to be the reason to cause divorce.
2. An affair, whether it is physical or emotional
It has the same effect on a relationship, if it’s a physical or emotional affair. Many people believe physical relationships are worse than emotional ones, but the resulting trauma is the same. Betrayal causes the break-up of all bonds that keep a relationship together: physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Trust, respect, and loyalty are so damaged that many couples choose to split because they cannot devise a solution to get over the betrayal. I frequently see situations where the person who is not faithful abandons their relationship since they believe they will experience more joy and fulfillment with another person.
However, when a couple who has suffered betrayal is determined to get over it and work to improve their relationship, it can be a convenient and life-changing experience. The most important thing is that both parties realize that the betrayal resulted from other issues that have arisen in their relationship and not the reason for the problem.
Rebuilding a relationship following an affair isn’t easy. However, the rebuilt relationship tends to be more vigorous and joyful, happier and more fun than ever. This is the reason an affair doesn’t have to end negatively.
3. There is no clear boundary in the relationship
Another issue that causes friction among couples is the subject of boundaries and expectations. We all know what boundaries mean and what they are, but we seldom discuss them or even talk about their boundaries. Expectations and boundaries are distinct for each individual in relationships.
Your boundaries are shaped by your personal experiences, history and religion, and the examples you’ve presented throughout your life. For some people who have close relationships with other genders could not be a problem. However, for others, this could be a total no-no.
Because we rarely communicate our expectations and boundaries in relationships – and we usually simply expect our partners to be in the same boat as us- so we are often annoyed and angry when boundaries are crossed. For instance, make it explicit if you don’t want your spouse to communicate with people you don’t know on Facebook and vice versa.
Do not be angry when they send texts back and forth if you haven’t talked about the issue with your partner and allowed them to respond. If you want to control your bank account on your own and do not wish to share it with your spouse, you want to clarify it at the start.
If you want to educate your kids within an established religion and with specific religious boundaries and requirements, then you should discuss the issue with your partner before you even have kids. Creating a complete list of expectations and boundaries when you begin relationships is challenging, but they typically emerge as time passes. We should better deal with the “offence” when limits are crossed.
Try to handle the anger or frustration before discussing the problem with your partner. Talk about the issue in a non-defensive way and give them the context to ensure they can respond appropriately. Saying, “stop calling anyone a “darling”, is not a constructive approach.
Instead, you should tell them, “I think it is a violation of boundaries whenever you call other men and women “darling” because you’re using the word as a personal name for me. It ruins our close bond and makes me feel jealous and, at times, betrayed.”Your spouse may not be aware that they are making you feel hurt when they say or do things.
Being clear about the impact it has on your relationship will increase their likelihood of appreciating your view point of view. Being capable of communicating effectively can prevent the disintegration of communication within your relationship. It can also assist in preventing the destruction of your relationship in general.
This is especially important for relationships that last for a long time. Couples with a long history for an extended period often look at one another in the future and ask, “what are we sharing in common?!” People change over time. It’s natural. The circumstances of life, children working and finding new activities can broaden our worldviews and enrich our lives.
The most important aspect of a long-term relationship is to develop and be conscious of the need to maintain a close relationship. I always inspire my patients to begin an activity together or complete projects together that make sure they spend quality, enjoyable time developing as a couple.
One of the biggest problems I’ve encountered in my work is the rise in physical and emotional relationships between couples in which one is active while the other isn’t. Training for Ironman, Argus, or running with comrades is an enormous amount of effort and commitment. It is, however, an incredibly noble feat; couples must consider how this kind of event could affect their relationship and be aware of it.
For instance, a man could be in training for Ironman. This would require him to be away from home for a long time every weekend and during the day. Your wife might be angry when he is pursuing his “dream” while she’s home with her children struggling to hold the home in order, and dealing with anxiety at work.
When he returns home, she’ll be angry and frustrated, while he is feeling a “high” due to the workout. While running with his training partners and talking to them about his wife’s behavior that is causing him to be angry. Female trainers may mention having similar issues in their relationship with their husbands.
This could create feelings of emotional connection between the two. The physical high of the exercise and the growing insecurity between couples could result in an affair, either physical or emotional. Couples must be in the same boat.
Everyone should be able to discover their happiness and satisfaction from a mix of family, friends and hobbies, religion and work. A part of your happiness could come from your relationship; however, ensure you don’t depend on your partner for all your emotional requirements.
We all experience moments in our relationships where our partners can’t contribute fully. It could be because of massive pressures in their careers, a physical problem, or an ambition they’re pursuing. Couples have to be able to negotiate this period (I’ll participate in 1 Ironman competition, and that’s the end of it), and every person should be able to discover their own joy in the other aspects of life during this time and still providing love and support for the other in any manner they can.
If you depend entirely on your partner to provide your satisfaction, you’ll search for a different partner to fulfill your requirements when they aren’t fulfilled. This isn’t a recipe for a happy and long-lasting partnership.
5. Sexual addiction or compulsive behavior
It’s often the most painful thing to occur in a relationship, as it is usually a result of multiple affairs and regular betrayals. As a therapist for sex addiction, I’ve had to deal with numerous instances like this and have witnessed numerous couples end up reconciling. Like other addictions, such as alcohol and drugs, it is not all about sex.
Sex addiction isn’t about people who have a strong sexual desire or the need to be able to enjoy lots of sex. Sexual addiction is all about treating loneliness, anger, boredom, sadness, or even exhaustion.
The men (I will refer to them as males since I currently treat only males in my clinic) have not learned to communicate emotions effectively, safely, and healthily and have turned to sexual activity as the ‘drug’ of choice. Patrick Carnes, a groundbreaking researcher and therapist involved in the study and the diagnosis and treatment of sex addiction, refers to the issue as “an emotional disorder”.
The men who suffer from it find it difficult to connect with one another. They aren’t able to be close to anyone. If they do “attach themselves” to someone else and then break it off, they can easily separate themselves once more.
Sex addiction is all about the thrill. It usually begins with a person being obsessed with thoughts of sex. Dopamine is released in the pre-frontal cortex, or the brain’s pleasure centre. Dopamine makes you feel good, “feels nice,” and that’s what sexual addicts want. But they pursue increasingly powerful ways to feel this “high”.
If sex addiction isn’t about sexual exploitation, what exactly is it?
It’s about trauma, and it helps heal the emotional wounds left by childhood.
Patrick Carnes states in his research that:
- 87% of sexually addicted people refer to their families’ upbringing as “disengaged.”
- 97% of sexually addicted people mention trauma in their early childhood (usually child abuse).
- 42% of addicts who are sex suffer from a cross-addiction issue with chemical dependence.
- 38% of addicts also suffer from an eating disorder.
However, one can’t justify actions like:
- Obsessive viewing of porn
- Obsessive masturbating
- Massage parlours and spas will have a happy end
- Going to a strip club
- Being involved in multiple relationships
- The prostitutes who are prostituting themselves
- Social media is a great way to engage in online sex or, or enter chat rooms